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How To Avoid A Bhai-O-Hazard


How To Avoid A Bhai-O-Hazard

Of late, the concerns regarding our environment and the hazards facing the planet are gaining a lot of momentum. Leonardo Di Caprio, in his Oscar speech stated,”Global warming is real and it is happening right now.” While the human race will probably fight against the biohazards that the planet faces, how do you deal with the Bhai-o-hazards that this planet houses? Yes, I am talking about the Bhai fanatics, the Salman Khan lovers who will ape (or at least aim to ape) everything from Bhai’s gait to his dialogues to his outlook towards women and in the process, create a hazard for non-Bhai, sensible cinema seeking people.

Let me set the context for what I am about to talk about. Salman Khan and his movies are the exact opposite of everything that cinema represents for me. And his bandwagon of fans gets me surprised everytime I make the mistake of even remotely addressing him. They’ll go to war with you if they hear a single word against Bhai’s antics. They blatantly dismiss the fact that his movies avoid logic like he avoids Vivek Oberoi. You could replace any of his characters from Wanted, Dabanng, Ready, and Jai Ho from one film and put it in any of the above films, it’ll still be the same movie. The Bhai-o-hazards, much like Salman, refuse to see Salman lose and get beaten up, refuse to see him rejected by his ladylove and refuse logic. For them, it’s all about HIM. His glory, his larger than larger than life image, his impracticality.

So, how do you deal with such people if you are not one of them? Just follow these three steps. Start by trying to stay as far away from the topic of Salman Khan as possible. And mind you, it’s tough. There will be plenty of provocations. The drink and drive case, the black buck case, how Salman would never kiss his heroine and wouldn’t want them wearing revealing clothes and how, like your two-year-old nephew, he will always want to win in his movies and his court cases. But through all of this, mum should be the word.

Secondly, in addition to Salman, you don’t mention Shah Rukh Khan to them either. Because then, comparisons will crop up, And you can’t defeat a Bhai-O-Hazard when it comes to that. Most of the Bhai-O-Hazards, however, don’t mind Aamir Khan. Guess being Salman’s friend off screen makes you cool with a Bhai-O-Hazard. Now, SRK and Salman are friends too after their infamous fight, but which true blue Bhai-O-Hazard can forget their brawl at Katrina’s birthday? And remember, it was Aamir who brokered peace between the two back then. So, Aamir is cool.

Third. If you happen to be watching TV with them and a Bhai movie comes up, prepare to get assaulted with seetis, claps and woo-hoos. That might be a good time to remember that work that was pending, or that meeting you had with your client or how you forgot you had a date with your wife/girlfriend.  Whisk away while you still can because if you stay any longer, the Bhai-O-Hazard will take you through the entire movie, explaining why Salman is the best.            

Well yeah, that’s pretty much it. If we try to adhere to these three steps as stringently as possible, maybe a Bhai-O-Hazard can be prevented from plaguing our lives.

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